I Didn’t Heal to Be Palatable: The Rage Beneath the Peace
It didn’t happen in a yoga studio.
It didn’t happen on a meditation pillow.
It happened in the fog. On Christmas Eve. In the in-between.
I wasn’t asking for clarity. I wasn’t manifesting my next chapter.
I had just come home after a year that left me gutted — the kind of year that doesn’t end with closure, just quiet collapse.
No resolutions. No revelations. Just exhaustion.
That’s when I saw it.
A mist.
Suspended mid-air in my apartment.
Thick. Soft. Present. Like it had something to say.
And without thinking, I said: “Heart-centered martial arts.”
The words didn’t come from my mind — they rose from my body.
A truth buried so deep in my nervous system that it had to float into the room to be heard.
I typed it into Google like my life depended on it. Because, in many ways, it did.
That search led me to the USA Shaolin Temple on Delancey Street — a humble portal to something ancient, disciplined, and deeply alive.
I didn’t know its lineage. I didn’t know that Wu-Tang trained there.
I just knew it felt like memory.
Like something in my bones had been waiting for me to arrive.
But the Temple wasn’t the destination.
It was a mirror.
And what it reflected back? Was everything I had forgotten about my own power.
The Truth Behind the Credentials
Before the fog. Before the Temple. Before this next becoming —
I was already deep in the work.
I’m a Certified Holistic Healing Practitioner, Accredited Personal Growth Coach, and Certified Holistic Producer.
I spent years inside a mental health practice.
I’ve worked with survivors, sensitives, empaths, and first-generation healers who were too complex for diagnostic codes and too powerful for institutions to hold.
I led breathwork sessions by candlelight.
Held space during emotional emergencies.
Helped people walk through trauma that doesn’t fit inside a treatment plan.
And yet — I was cracking underneath it all.
Because here’s the part they don’t tell you:
The deeper you go with others, the stronger your own foundation must be.
And mine was eroding.
The system didn’t know what to do with someone like me — a healer who didn’t play by the rules.
Admiration turned to suspicion.
Support turned to silencing.
So I left.
Not in rebellion. But in reclamation.
Because my soul whispered louder than the politics.
This Isn’t a Glow-Up. It’s a Wake-Up.
I’ve lived many lives already:
Healer. DJ. Writer. Seeker.
Each one brought me closer to a frequency I couldn’t name — until it found me.
And when it did, it didn’t come with marketing.
It didn’t trend.
It cracked me open and whispered:
Train your mind to listen.
Train your body to feel again.
Train your heart to stay open — especially when it wants to close.
That’s the real work.
Not just learning — unlearning.
Not just becoming — remembering.
I still drink turmeric lattes.
I still love sound healing, frequency medicine, and soft rituals.
But I also know: none of it matters if I’m not honest with myself.
The fog didn’t confuse me.
It clarified me.
Because sometimes your calling doesn’t show up as a vision board.
Sometimes it shows up as a breakdown.
As silence.
As rage.
As a whisper that floats into your space and won’t leave until you answer it.
If You’re Reading This…
…then maybe you’ve felt it too.
The edge.
The ache.
The quiet invitation to finally get honest.
So let me ask you:
What’s been floating in the room with you?
What have you been too tired to see — but is still waiting to be heard?
Let it rise.
Let it whisper.
Let it rewrite you.
Because when the ground gives out —
The truth finally comes in.
And it will choose you.
Just like it chose me.
ALEXANDRIA TAVA
10+ year Certified Holistic Producer and Accredited Personal Growth Coach leading radical transformation to inspire the next generational through conscious media.
